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Dexter's
Christmas Gift List
Christmas is a time of loving, caring, and
peace for mankind... Who are we kidding? It's a commercialized Hallmark
holiday that brainwashes us into spending hundreds of dollars on people
we don't even like... If you're stuck on what gifts to buy this year,
here are a few suggestions from the lovable Detstar mascot, Dexter.
| WARNING:
The thoughts and opinions of Dexter are entirely
his own. Detstar.com takes no responsibility for the words or actions
of the demented mascot... |
If you have a twisted sense of humor, be
sure to check out Dexter Comics.
|
 So,
you're coming to me for holiday gift giving advice... Boy,
you must be in serious trouble. Here are some of my personal
suggestions of gifts to give to loved ones this year. Pick
them up for friends or family - Or keep them for yourself
if you're a selfish bastard like me.
And remember,
if the holiday rage starts to get to you, and you just can't
take it anymore... Don't be afraid to crack a fellow shopper
in the back of the head with a roll of Christmas giftwap.
Happy shopping (or shoplifting, if that's the case).
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1.
Tickle Me Ozzy
Tickle him, and he'll bite the
head off your Christmas Turkey. After that, he'll get drunk,
swear at your relatives, and then pass out.
(Not recommended for families with pets, elderly grandparents,
or young children) |
2.
G.I. George W. Bush
George Bush action figure driving a tank, and hell bent on blowing
the shit out of something. Pull the string on his back, and
he'll start telling nasty jokes about Osama's Mamma.
(George Bush and Tank sold separately) |
3.
Michael Jackson Baby Doll
Makes realistic cries and baby talk. Instead of feeding it and
changing it, take turns with friends and see who can huck it
the furthest. |
4.
Winona Ryder Action Figure
Unfortunately, there are none of these left on store shelves.
Each and every one of these hot Christmas items have already
been stolen... |
5.
Microsoft-opoly
The board game where you lie, cheat, and steal your way to a
fortune. It's only illegal if you get caught - In which case
you'll go directly to jail, and get locked up with a cellmate
named Bubba... Do not pass GO, do not collect $200. |
6.
Osama binOperation
Use surgical tools too unnecessarily remove Osama's brain, heart,
genitals, and other parts of the anatomy. Bonus points for whoever
can 'accidentally' slip and make him scream 'ALLAH JIHAD'. |
7.
Britney Spears' Pulsating Pleasure Toy
Comes with three speed variation. Plus, you can buy a special
attachment to make it double as a paint shaker.
(Recommended for girls aged 16 and up. Batteries NOT included) |
8.
Miss Cleo Ouija Board
Ask the spirits to tell your fortune... Or fate.
WARNING: May cause freak outs, blindness, lack of consciousness,
temporary insanity, or the urge to donate large sums of money
to charity. |
9.
Nativity Scene Playing Cards
Can three wise men beat a Jesus? Who knows. Either way, the
whole family is sure to have a blast with this deck of sacrilegious
playing cards. Even Grandma will get in on the action, betting
her life savings on a full house. |
10.
Saddam Hussein's Missile Fortress
Now you can pretend to be an Iraqi dictator from the comfort
of your own home. Hide plastic warheads in secret compartments,
and launch rockets at your little sister's Barbie dreamhouse.
(Contains many small parts, and comes with a 12,000 page instruction
manual) |
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