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Dexter's
New Year's Resolutions
Dexter isn't perfect. Which is why he's trying
to better himself with a list of things he wishes to accomplish this year.
If you're feeling discouraged about meeting your newly set goals, have
a look and see what Dexter will be up to this year. Provided that he doesn't
get arrested, that is... Which will be quite a task, especially considering
several of the resolutions that are on his list.
| WARNING:
The thoughts and opinions of Dexter are entirely
his own. Detstar.com takes no responsibility for the words or actions
of the demented mascot... |
If you're warped enough to find this stuff
funny, you must see the Dexter Comics.
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 Meh,
so it's a few days past the new year. Gimme a break, I just
crawled out of bed. I guess my resolution to stop sleeping
in has already been broken.
It's the time
of year when a number of people make a vow for a fresh start,
to begin leading healthier, happier, and more prosperous lives...
All of which gets rather old by the time mid-January rolls
around.
Hardly anyone
ever makes good on their New Years' resolution. If you're
one of these people, I've got a suggestion for next year...
Deliberately gain ten pounds and take up smoking right before
Christmas. Surely you can drop the flab and give up the smokes
early into the new year.
So, without any
further delay, here are my ten New Year's resolutions for
2003.
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1.
To Stop Hucking Donuts at Police Cars
It's just so tempting to launch
donuts at patrol cars as you're cruising down the highway. Perfect
justice is watching the surprised look on an officer's face
when a jelly donut splatters like a bug on his windshield. But
it truly is a waste of perfectly good food, so I'm gonna start
throwing rocks instead. |
2.
Make Thongs Illegal For Anyone Over 40
No one wants to witness a tiny piece of material disappear between
a pair of aging butt cheeks. It's a sight that'll make you lose
your appetite, and probably your lunch as well. Which is why
I'm starting up a new organization: HAMADS: Humanity Against
Middle Aged Displays of Sexuality. Please give generously. |
3.
To Be Seen on National Television
I wouldn't want to be on TV for
some kind of humanitarian event, nor to share my thoughts and
opinions on our society. Rather, I'd like to do something cool
like giving the finger, or waving my ass to the camera. Imagine
getting the chance to flip off the whole nation. |
4.
Not to Watch a Single Second of Oprah
I almost made it last year... But when switching channels, I
accidentally caught 5 seconds of the Oprah Winfrey show. Needless
to say, that was five seconds too many. I now fear that I will
be mentally scarred for the rest of my life. |
5.
To Rid The World of Boy Bands
It seems that there's two new groups of untalented wonders for
every group that becomes unprofitable. Countless young women
fall victim to this craze that has become a plague to our fine
society. Little do these girls realize that they'll never get
married to any of these heartthrobs. And that none of these
pretty boys will ever get married... At least not to a woman,
anyway. |
6.
Win The Lottery
I've seen all kinds of movies and TV shows where people have
been able to rig the lottery, and become rich beyond their wildest
dreams. Surely I can come up with a clever scheme to pull it
off. If not, I'll just score some extra cash by knocking over
a liquor store. |
7.
Run For President of a Small Country
Even if I didn't get a single vote, it sure would be one hell
of an ego trip. How hard could it be, anyway? Whip up some fancy
election posters, and make a bunch of empty promises. Besides,
if someone like Clinton can become the leader of a nation, than
anyone can. |
8.
Find a Cure for Stupidity
It's a problem that's getting worse by the day. Maybe there's
something in the water. Maybe it's the TV radiation. Or maybe
it's just the fact that the education system is crumbling faster
than a Hollywood marriage. Either way, we need a quick fix to
this condition that's becoming ever more common. Failing that,
all stupid people could be deported somewhere else in the universe...
Preferably a planet that has no sign of intelligent life, so
they'll feel right at home. |
9.
Spend a Week Living Like Robert Downey Jr.
What could be more fun that being totally fucking wasted for
24 hours a day? Although it would probably be cool to hallucinate
and see giant purple spiders everywhere, completely frying one's
brain would get old fast. Following that, would be a lengthy
stay at a rehab center. Of course, it'll take nearly a year's
worth of dishonest income to pay for that heavy dosage of drugs
and alcohol. |
10.
To Host My Own Reality TV Show
Ever since Survivor, reality shows have become as common on
television networks as liquor bottles in the teachers' lounge.
In this series, twenty beautiful women will compete in a wide
variety of events. The contest will consist of mud wrestling,
cat fights, and a wet T-shirt contest. The grand prize? A 'romantic'
evening in a motel room with Dexter, taking place on New Year's
Eve of next year. |
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