World Cup Soccer 2006 [Dexter Comics]:

World Cup Soccer 2006
"It's all German to me..."

Soccer fever has completely infected Europe... And with the intense action and alcohol fueled parties, it's easy to see why Soccer has morphed into the world's most popular sport.

It's a great game because it's a low-tech operation. There's no gear, no helmets... All you need to do is steal yourself a soccer ball, and you're ready to roll.

Dexter's Unofficial Guide to World Cup Soccer in Germany

"If you didn't make a bad call, you wouldn't have gotten your ass kicked."

As with any sport, referees keep order and ruin the fun. Soccer Refs are equipped with a special deck of cards. If a player is dealt two yellow cards, he receives a red card which gets his ass kicked out of the game. If a referee ever dealt me a card, I'd tell him to GO FISH himself.

"Did our team win or lose?"
"Who cares... Let's burn this town to the ground!"

Perhaps the most entertaining aspect of soccer is the growing phenomenon known as "Hooliganism". Yeah, it's a word... Look it up.

During a sporting event, hooligans rebel against the local government, wreaking havoc and destroying property. Of course, hooligans are way to drunk to realize that this type of aggressive behavior would be enough to overthrow the relatively small number of government officials...

But the fat cats are wise enough to step back, and let it happen... They know that after everyone passes out, they'll wake up with a nasty hangover rendering them incapable of waging war against the system.

Although you can't truly fight the power, you might as well flip over a police car if you ever get the chance. It's a small victory in itself.

The cruel world of fashion states that "swastikas and cool mustaches are, like, totally out of style right now".

The original soccer uniforms for Team Germany were scraped before the World Cup began... The German fashion designers who created the uniform were disappointed when their clothing line was rejected by a group of horrified tournament officials... Apparently, some of those stuck up pricks believed that these jerseys were offensive...

There were however, no objections to the ultra skimpy uniforms worn by German cheerleaders.

With the crazy action of the World Cup, you never know who's gonna come out on top.

Hookers in Germany are playing into double overtime. With the thousands of temporary residents in the city, it seems as if an incredible number of prostitutes have migrated to Munich to accommodate the large number of drunken soccer fans.

Hot Goaltending

The position of goalie is unique in any sport. As a rule in soccer, the goalkeepers are the only players who can touch the ball with their hands... It should also be noted that German hookers are also skilled ball handlers.

Goalies spend a lot of time on their knees while playing their position... Hookers also happen to be flexible enough to play in any position.

And just to prove that I haven't been pulling stuff out of my ass, here's an interview with two "professional soccer hooligans". Meet DWAYNE & CHRIS, allegedly from England.

DEXTER: Do you guys have any comments about yesterday's victory?
DWAYNE: We're so glad that the frogs din't win. Chris was 'o happy, he smashed a bottle on me noggin'.
CHRIS: Bloody right I did. Ha ha ha!

DWAYNE: I popped a copper with my crowbar. I broke his leg in three places, I did.
DEXTER: Heh. That's great stuff.
CHRIS: I smashed that Bobby on the head with me club. He bled like a fucking woman!

DWAYNE: We burned seven lorries in the name of victory. Rock on!
DEXTER: In the name of which team are you lighting fires for?
DWAYNE: "We like to see who's winning, 'an play it by ear.
DEXTER: How can you call yourselves professional soccer hooligans, when you don't show alliance for any particular team?
CHRIS: We sell our services to the best team... You can't get more professional than that.

DEXTER: What do you say to all the critics who say that hooligans have no place in soccer?
DWAYNE: I'd like to tell all of those people to piss off!
CHRIS: Yeah. They can suck a fat one as far as I'm concerned.

DEXTER: Since you've been here, have you sampled the local hookerage?
CHRIS: Seems kinda creepy to me... I'll stick to shagging Dwayne's wife. At least I know what I'm getting into.
DWAYNE: Hey, you bloody bastard! I'm gonna pound your arse!

DEXTER: Well there you have it... Soccer is living proof that sex and violence are man's most primitive instincts...
Stay tuned for next week when I examine the mating habits of sadistic lesbians.