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Island of
Rejected Toys


Horribly Twisted Gifts... Like Baby's First
Table Saw


Grand Theft OTTO: Springfield

Snake... Wiggum... Homer... They're all here!


Episode 134

Lifeguard Opportunity at Bayview Beach


Rastafarian Homer

Pass the Dutchie on the left side, mon.


Episode 131

Dexter & Marley...
Forever borowing stuff that ain't theirs.


Star Whores

Looks like Han is sleeping solo tonight


Episode 128

Dexter takes a cheap shot at Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney


Episode 127

Mary & Dexter discuss the American flag


Episode 126

Dexter & Marley go shopping for female hygiene products


Episode 124

Marley goes Easter shopping


Bill Gates
Goes to Hell

Dexter's rant about
Windows Vista



Metroid Prime: Boss Strategies

Written by Hutz

Many players consider Metroid Prime to be more of an adventure game than a shooter. A major fact that supports this thinking is the bosses. They're simply amazing. Some are gigantic, others are intelligent, but all of them take skill to defeat. If you're having problems with any boss in particular, read on to get some tried, tested, and true advice. If you'd rather figure everything out on your own, though, no peeking!

Parasite Queen
You've explored the whole frigate, and you've found nothing interesting other than some leeches and a few Space Pirates with severed spines, brain hemorrhage, and other fun ailments. The real battle starts when you get to the Parasite Queen, who crawls into a tube of energy. First on the to-do list is scan it with your Scan Visor to acquire its head as a target. Lock on to the head and charge up your Power Beam while circling the room and dodging its blasts (hit B while strafing to do a quick dodge). When you find an opening in the tube, let loose with your charged blast. With some persistence Queenie will be down for the count.

Oh, and hurry your ass out of the Frigate afterwards. You don't want to be caught in the explosion, do you?


Hive Mecha

The first boss you face after being stripped of all your cool items is a Mecha filled with Ram War Wasps. This is a true test of your lock on skills. When the first batch of wasps starts circling you, keep an eye on your radar (upper left corner of the screen) and wait for them to pause. Start locking on and machine-gunning them to death while avoiding the others that attempt to ram you. Once you've dealt with all of them, the Mecha starts glowing red. Lock on and pump as much Power Beam as you can into it. It'll spin 90 degrees when it's finished. Repeat two more times to finish it off.

Your prize for finishing this boss is your first set of five Missiles. Use them sparingly until you pick up a few more Missile Expansions.

Plated Beetle

After nearly overheating your blaster clearing the room of Beetles, the toughest of them all pops up through the floor. Lock on to the Plated Beetle and stand fairly close to its head. It'll dodge side to side, then attempt to ram you into the wall. Dodge out of the way before it can and retaliate with a Missile to its red tail. A few missiles is all it takes to blow it off, at which points it succumbs. If you run out of Missiles, you'll have to repeatedly fire with the weak Power Beam.

You now have access to Samus' most famous item: the Morph Ball! Use it to roll out of the room.


Incinerator Drone

Oh great, you're stuck in a room with a giant flamethrower that's on the fritz. Lock on and circle the room, avoiding the flames. If you get hit, the flames tend to pin you to the wall. You can jump over/walk under the flames when the barrel tilts. Eventually a red button will pop out of the drone. Shoot it to cause the barrel to point up and torch the hive that's hanging on the ceiling. The hive is full of Barbed War Wasps that are trying to protect their home. Now you have to avoid flames AND shoot down the wasps. If you have the Charge Beam, you'll make short work of the wasps. After a few more flame blasts, the hive will be burnt to a crisp.

Samus now gets Bombs for her beloved Morph Ball. Around the outside of the room, a weak sandstone wall can be blown up to reveal a path to a Missile Expansion.


Flaahgra

The other bosses in Chozo Ruins are peanuts compared to this mother! The first thing you may notice is the mirror that's reflecting sunlight onto Flaahgra. This light is necessary for it to flourish. Lock on to Flaahgra and circle the room, avoiding the fungus blasts and tentacles (you'll get hurt if you walk too close to a tentacle). Shooting Flaahgra can cause it to become temporarily paralyzed, so keep it under sustained fire. Once you get behind the mirror that's providing Flaahgra with its life force, shoot the red button under it to knock it out of alignment and watch as Flaahgra shrivels up. Now's your chance to cause some REAL damage. Engage Morph Ball mode with X and roll into one of the channels that the tentacles retreated into. Enter the alcove at the end and place a bomb. You'll have to repeat the whole pattern three more times, each time with one more mirror added to the mix. Be quick when taking them down, as Flaahgra has the annoying tendency to knock them back into place when he's left alone too long.

Claim the Varia Suit after the battle. This suit is resistant to heat and allows you to explore Magmoor Caverns without melting. Also, since the toxic mutant Flaahgra is gone, Chozo Ruins' water is now pure and safe to traverse.


Sheegoth

You've slaughtered her babies, and now the mother wants a piece of you. First, scan her with the Scan Visor to acquire her head as a target. You can start shooting her with the Power Beam, but you'll notice that the shots head to her back and power up her attacks. Wait for her to shoot snowballs or freezing breath from her mouth. If you get frozen, keep jumping to break free, or plant a bomb if you're in Morph Ball form. After those attacks, she hyperventilates a little, leaving her vulnerable to Missile blasts. It can take a while, but each Missile adds up and the Sheegoth will eventually keel over.

The Sheegoth is nice enough to leave the Wave Beam behind for you. Not only does this awesome weapon look cool, but it homes in on enemies and stuns them when charged.


Thardus

You probably read a few things in the research labs about a large, Phazon-infused creature that had to be sealed away. Now you're in the same room as the rocky monster, face-to-face, and it wouldn't love more than to crush your puny existence. The first thing you'll notice is how there are no places to lock on to this beast. Switch to the Thermal Visor and you can see the heat radiating from the Phazon in one of the rocks. Lock on and fire charged Wave Beam shots or Super Missiles while avoiding Thardus' ice blasts. If he summons rocks, use a few Wave Beam shots to take care of them one at a time. If you don't hit him fast enough, he curls into a ball and attempts to crush you. Your best defense is to roll up into your own ball and Boost Ball the hell out of his way. Once you've damaged the rock enough, your Thermal Visor will explode into brilliant shades of yellow. Your visor is overloading with heat because the Phazon is fully exposed. Simply switch to your Combat Visor and continue pelting the same spot, although glowing blue now, with attacks. When you destroy the Phazon, the pattern repeats with a different weak point.

Thardus was guarding an item that hasn't been seen since the Gameboy Metroid: the amazing Spider Ball! Use it to scale the magnetic rails in this room and escape.


Elite Pirate
The core of the Space Pirate research is revealed: troops that have been infused with Phazon in such a way as to increase battle prowess. However, they're all bulk and no speed. Lock on to its head and wait for it to stop drawing in matter with its hand. After dodging a missile or jumping over a shock wave, unleash a Super Missile to the Pirate's head. It only takes a few to finish it off.

Phazon Elite
The Phazon Elite is bigger, badder, but just as easy as the Elite Pirate. Follow the steps above in order to win. You don't have to worry about it shooting ballistics. In the Phazon Elite's holding cell you'll receive a Chozo Artifact.

Omega Pirate
You've defeated a few different Phazon-infused Pirates, but none of those even compare to the monstrously large and hideous Omega Pirate. This one is a lot like the others, except there are four spots to lock on to instead of one: both legs and both shoulders. The Phazon on those parts acts as a sort of armor, so your first point of business is to remove it. Make sure not to stand too far away from him as he'll send out a particularly nasty ballistic explosion. Charge up your Plasma Beam and wait until Omega Pirate sends out a shock wave. Jump over it and blast the Phazon. Keep doing this until all four Phazon patches are no more. At this point he'll activate his cloaking mechanism and summon assorted Beam Troopers to deal with you. Attack them, but keep your ears open for the sound of Omega Pirate entering the room again. Immediately switch to your X-Ray Visor and Power Beam, lock on to his skeleton, and unleash a Super Missile or two. He'll perform his disappearing/reappearing act once more. This time he'll eventually replenish his Phazon armor, but not before you can send him another Super Missile or two. Omega Pirate doesn't seem too concerned about his comrades, as his shock waves will damage and eventually kill them if you haven't already. Keep knocking off the armor and Super Missiling him until he's a goner.

Once defeated, Omega Pirate stands still for a few moments, then falls over on Samus before she can escape. Instead of killing her, his Phazon infuses into her Power Suit, making it the ultimate Phazon Suit that's immune to the effects of Blue Phazon. This also gives her the mysterious Phazon Beam that doesn't seem to work right now...


Meta Ridley

It's just like him to barge in when he's not wanted... As the Chozo Artifacts start to reveal the way for Samus, Meta Ridley flies in overhead and bombs the Impact Crater, interrupting Samus' crusade. Now it's a battle to the death, beauty versus beast. Before the battle, it's a good idea to go back and load up on as many Missile Expansions as you can find. Having 200+ Missiles can give you quite the margin of error. The Plasma Beam works in this battle, but it's considerably weaker than Super Missiles. Ridley has a variety of attacks at his disposal, which usually involve bombs and a flaming beam. When he hovers in one place and attacks you, retaliate with a Super Missile to his exposed chest. When he tries to swoop over and attack, simply dodge to the side. If he lands on the crater and tries to attack you, dodge around him and pelt him with a Super Missile in his weak point. You should be able to take him down to about 1/5 of his life with few problems.

Unfortunately for you, this is where the REAL battle begins. His wings incinerate and force him to attack you melee style. At this point he'll do one of two things. When he rears his head back and screams, double side-dodge as quickly as you can before he smashes you into the wall. This can be tricky to do sometimes, but it's always possible to avoid him. The trick is to step towards him before dodging, as you'll circle him faster if you're close. This is kind of difficult to explain in words, but it's proven by the laws of circular motion, so don't fight it. What you're waiting for is for his head to go down and start breathing fire. Before he can damage you, though, quickly fire a Missile at his head, then lock on to the exposed chest. After waiting a second, fire off a Super Missile.

This is more a matter of skill than brain, so keep repeating these tactics until the Chozo Artifacts intervene and blow him to kingdom come. The way to your ultimate challenge is now revealed.


Metroid Prime (Part 1)

This spider-like beast looks very little like a Metroid, but it packs quite a punch. Lock on to the Metroid's eyes and use the weapon of choice. This foe is conveniently color-coded for easy weapon choice. If it's yellow, use the Power Beam, if it's purple, use the Wave Beam, etc. Keep dodging its attacks and timing your own shots to hit dead-on in the eyes. Make maximum use of your Super Missiles and Ice Spreader, as they're much more powerful than regular shots. When Metroid Prime releases balls of energy that head toward you slowly, shoot them down and use the Charge Beam to draw in the powerups they leave behind. The powerup you're mainly looking for is yellow Energy (replenishes 100 energy).

Once eliminated, the beast retreats deep into the crater, revealing its true form...

Metroid Prime (Part 2)

Now THIS looks more like a Metroid! The first form you fought was merely the exoskeleton of the creature. Lock on and jump over the fiery shock waves it sends out. Eventually, it'll create a pool of blue Phazon and perhaps a few assorted Metroids, then become invisible. Metroid Prime is actually always visible to one type of visor. The cycle is: Combat Visor, X-Ray Visor, and Thermal Visor. Freeze any Metroids (except Fission Metroids) with the Ice Beam that stand between you and the blue pool, or use a Power Bomb to obliterate them. Stand in the puddle of Phazon and watch as your Arm Cannon starts going haywire. This is the Phazon Beam, aka Hyper Mode. First clear out any Metroids that were summoned, then use the rest of the beam to fry the hapless Metrod Prime. Keep repeating these tactics until it can take no more.

In a fit of rage, Metroid Prime attempts to grab you and take you down with it. It merely grabs the Phazon corruption from your suit, once again revealing the colorful Gravity Suit, then explodes into a puddle of goo. The ending you get depends on your item percentage (visible on the title screen). Between 75% and 99% is the good ending, 100% is the good ending with a twist, and below 75% is 'just an ending'.







 

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